Every marriage is different, every separation is different and every divorce is different. How soon is too soon to start dating again depends on several factors, including your emotional state, your ex-spouse’s emotional state and your legal situation. Dating while separated can be just what you need or the last thing you need.

You don’t want to make your ex angry before the divorce is final, unless you’re willing to deal with a protracted battle and a potentially expensive settlement, instead of an amicable no-fault divorce. Your ex might be willing to accept that the marriage just wasn’t working out — the divorce might even be her idea — but if you start dating before she’s ready for it then she can make things very difficult for both of you.

Work through the grief of your divorce before starting to date again. It’s okay to be more practical, and less romantic, about the dating process.

I was encouraged to immediately start dating after my separation. After all, if you’ve tolerated a bad relationship that finally ends, why wouldn’t it make sense to immediately start looking for something great with someone fantastic? Seriously, what could possibly go wrong? My friends rallied around me, told me “I still had it” and began introducing me to eligible bachelors, whether they were a potential fit or not. I dated a few nice people, but for sure my heart was not in it.

I had yet to get my bearings, had not even begun to heal, and was certainly more than a little shell-shocked. At the time, even though I didn’t know it, a finalized divorce was still more than a year out. My therapist mentioned I needed two years of self-reflection and healing time between significant relationships, and was kind enough to inform me that the clock actually doesn’t start ticking until I had a Divorce Decree in hand. As it turns out, the experts seem to agree.